You Heard it Here First!!!

Image of Christ Seen in Bathroom Door

STARK COUNTY, OH -- It seems images of Jesus or the Virgin Mary are showing up in everything from tree trunks to grilled cheese sandwiches. Now it's in a piece of wood taken from a bathroom door.An Ohio couple says it's taken 30 years for them to speak up about seeing the image of Christ in a piece of an old door. They say recent events like the deadly tsunami made them feel like it's time to share their discovery.The couple says they've been encouraged to put the piece up for sale, but they have no plans to try to make any profit off of it. Instead, they'll share the image with their church congregation.

www.firstcoastnews.com/assetpool/images/05329191115_jesuschristos.jpg

Why does it feel like all of my posts lately have to do with religion?

If The Glove Don't Fit, Try The Other Hand...Idiot.

Johnnie's Dead! In other news, I think I broke my foot today as I leapt gracefully down a flight of stairs against my will. What?! I didn't claim they were comparable.

I think I might have been Baptized....

In honor of one of the Holiest days for Christians, and in support of my boyfriend, I decided to go to Church yesterday. But I don't think I will ever go again.

We went to a place not too far from our apartment. I think it was one of those progressive churches. Either that or the pastor (I think that's his title) tried a little too hard to sound hip and modern, but either way some wacky things went on. He was talking about how he went to a party and after a few drinks (WAIT A SECOND... can pastors drink?) "all hell broke loose" when he brought up the Schiavo case. (WAIT A SECOND... you can say hell in that context?)

Then, I was sprinkled with Holy Water. I kid you not. Not that I was singled out and sprinkled, but he doused the whole congregation. I felt a bit funny about that. I couldn't exactly scream out for him to stop or he would have thought I was the devil or something, but I don't like the fact that I was sprinkled against my will. And I think that it was an attempt at a partial Baptism.

I should just stick to my own people next time. So much for trying to be openminded and understanding....

WTF?!

Bad Start To Your Day: It's pouring outside, you haven't prepared for your classes, all your books are at school, and you suspect, so is your one and only umbrella.

Terrifying Start To Your Day: As you're standing on the escalator of the Metro, you start feeling faint and your eyesight falters...you try not to freak out and instead focus on taking deep breaths. You wonder if maybe you should go back home, but the train shows up and you convince yourself you'll be ok. You're standing on the train and realize that you won't be ok and you should have never listened to yourself...you're always wrong goddammit. You push people out of the way so you can find a seat instead of collapsing on the three year old standing next to you. You faint anyway (but at least you were sitting down)...you come to, and notice ten people staring at you and asking you if you're ok. Fuck. You're going to die and you never even saw U2 in concert! You grab your shit and get off the train because it's your stop. You hope that whatever just happened to you is over, but once again, you are proven wrong as you go up the escalator and start to black out. Luckily, you're standing right next to the hospital...you walk in and ask to use the bathroom despite the "no public bathrooms" sign. The security guard asks for your ID and since you dont have the strength to actually take your license out, you give him your wallet and say "it's in there somewhere....my hands aren't working." He looks concerned but directs you to the bathroom. Luckily it's one of those one-person rooms so you can drop all your stuff and take off your sweater because you feel like you're suffocating. Splashing water on your face, you think to yourself "What if i die in here! No one will find me till the end of the day!" You panic. Then, all of a sudden..you feel the urge to throw up. You do. You feel MUCH BETTER. You decide to worry about your possible brain and stomache cancer later...homework is waiting.

Ask the men's lady

Dear men's lady,
Why is it that every time i tell myself i will be productive on the weekend, i end up passed out on the couch with brownie crumbs all over me? Also, why won't the Pillsbury dough boy return my calls?
Sincerely,
On The Brink

Dear On The Brink,
I'm very sorry your failed love affair with the Pillsbury dough boy has well, failed. I once had a similar experience with John Stamos, who played Uncle Jesse on Full House. Celebrities are very rude, even the Pillsbury dough boy, because they are constantly surrounded by yes-men who tell them how great they are. I wanted to be "real" for John Stamos, as I'm sure you wanted to be for the Pillsbury dough boy, and we could have had it all together, but that jerk was "screening his calls". But then, since the Pillsbury dough boy isn't a real person, you probably don't have to deal with this crap. Stupid actors. I hope this helped.

Keep on trucking,
The men's lady

I Do Not Condone The Killing of Jamie

Happy Purim to all our Jewish friends!!

The story behind the holiday, as told to me this morning by a kind Russian refugee,* is as follows:

The King of Persia wanted a new wife because his first one was a bitch. So he married a Jewish girl named Esther, not knowing that she was Jewish (which is strange, because hey, her name was ESTHER). The king also wanted to kill all the Jews. As you can imagine, this was unsettling to Esther. Luckily, she “came out” to her husband and saved all the Jews from imminent death.

So according to my new babushka, to celebrate the saving of their people, good Jewish people get really drunk until they forget their religious tenets, then dress up in costume and party.

Hmnn...so get drunk, forget shit, and wear a crazy wig. check. I think I might be Jewish.

*any inaccuracies in the story may be attributed to my limited comprehension of the Russian language.

Miss me?

I've come to rescue all you faithful readers from Mrs. Green. =)

Well well well. I just started my new top-secret job. And so far all I've done is sit in my office. Its a nice office though. Quite large with free reign to do whatever I want to it. I was given a training schedule to last me all week but I finished almost everything in about 2 hours. My supervisor left town so I'm left to fend for myself (a.k.a. surf the web all day). Sounds like fun, but after day 2, hour 15, you run out of things to do. Plus, I'm kind of afraid that any minute the FBI will seize my computer. So I brought in CDs and started reading, but I finished my book yesterday morning. Then I began watching about 6 hours of CNN coverage of the Schiavo case but I can't take it anymore.

Today I think I'm going to pretend to be Catholic so they let me leave early for Good Friday...

Maybe next week will pick up.

Thursday Night Line-Up

Two TV Shows premiered tonight, and being the resident tv critic (just got promoted today!), I thought I'd save you the trouble of deciding which one you'd rather watch by making the decision for you. This will hopefully be the beginning of a long list of decisions I will be making for you. For example, if your name is Paul Hewson, you have decided to leave your wife Ali and find a new love, oh, say in row B, seat 107 at the MCI center on October 19, 2005 when you will jump off the stage and propose to said person in mid-air...(I don't have all the logistics in place yet, but the hard part is over.)

But I digress...

"The Office" on NBC: Takes a perfectly good British comedy and "americanizes" it, with hopes that the new version will be just as popular as its already successful, no-need-for-a-second-version, counterpart. Admittedly, I only watched about a minute of this show, but I can tell you that it's not worth your time. It's a total rip-off (even the same office relationships) minus the British accent (always a bonus) and the good actors. Sure that guy from the Daily Show is funny and was one of the best things about "Anchorman", but he is no Ricky Gervais. So stick to the original on BBC. And NBC, if you're just recycling British sh*t, then why did you reject my perfectly good script about an Iranian girl growing up in the U.S. who finds it difficult to fight street crime and run a ballet school for blind boys at the same time?

"Life on a Stick" on FOX*: Wacky kids who work at a hot dog joint, step-siblings, parents who have sex in the garage, teen angst: this show has all the ingredients of a hit! What could be funnier than teenagers who get really angry at their boss and decide to fry his office supplies in a vat of oil?..or..parents who don't know how to punish their kids because they had them when they were teenagers? Seriously. Name something funnier. This is the critic's pick of the week (That one critic. Yeah, i know you know i'm referring to myself. If that makes you uncomfortable, then you're not alone).

So there you go. Yet another decision has been made for you**. No more panicking on lonely Thursday nights (standing in front of the TV in your bathrobe, eating peanut butter out of a spoon because you're too broke to buy bread) wondering what show could possibly uplift your spirits for half an hour and make you forget that yours is not a charmed life.

*Not sure about this, but I made an educated guess judging from the name and premise of the show.
**If you need other decisions made for you, feel free to ask. Especially if your name is Paul Hewson. We have a lot to talk about.

Dumb and Considerably Dumber

Noticing that I hadn't been at all productive tonight, I glanced at my digital clock which displayed 10:59 PM, and slightly relieved, thought to myself "At least I have 40 minutes left till 11 o'clock."

Depressing: I didn't realize my mistake until the clock actually turned 11:00 PM.

Strangely Uplifting: When repeating my miscalculation to a friend (lets call her Meredith), all I got in response was a perfectly dumb, blank stare.

Tragic: Over an hour later, I still haven't done anything productive, and Meredith is no doubt sitting in a corner somewhere, staring at a clock, and wondering why there aren't 100 minutes in an hour.

Anonymous Letter to Rob and Amber of "The Amazing Race"

Dear Bastard Rob and Personality-less (yes, its a word. fuck you.) Amber,

I see that you both came in first place tonight. You must be very proud of yourselves. I'm sorry I didn't catch the entire show so I'm not up to speed on how you acheived yet another stolen victory. Did you hijack another cab? Bribe another bus driver with other people's money? Threaten to abort the baby of a pregnant Argentinian woman with your pocket knife unless she gave you directions to the finish line? Whatever it was, i'm sure it was worth it. You are truly an inspiration to all of us here in Hell.

HAPPY BELATED NEW YEAR!!!

Unfortunately, my fast paced American lifestyle leaves me insufficient time to give the Iranian New Year its due, but for the sake of education:
1) Iranians have their own New Year.
2) It's called Norooz.
3) It is the first day of Spring.
4) It has nothing to do with Islam.
5) This year, it was March 20th.
6) Kids get money. (cuts out all the bullshit of Christmas)
7) Everyone has to call all friends and family older than them. (my least favorite tradition)
8) Thirteen days afterwards, you go on a picnic (13-Bedar) to celebrate the spring and get rid of any bad luck associated with the number 13.

Contrary to a certain person's suggestion, my New Year's resolution is not to obtain more uranium.

Spring Break and other news

We're all very sad to hear about the depression of a certain law student in D.C. I am comforted by the fact that you will one day be rich and famous (NOT as a result of blog-type activities), because of your absolutely fabulous book that is sitting in your head, just waiting to be put onto paper. Who knows? Maybe you'll do that this summer. Find a cabin in the woods, and either become Henry David Thoreau, or Ted Kaczynski. You pick.

In other news, I went to Costa Rica for spring break. Which, along with a barrage of midterms, is why the men's lady hasn't posted in awhile. I have no excuse for my posts being unoriginal and unfunny, however, but I am not sorry.

Here are some things you might not know about Costa Rica. 1. I went there. For Spring Break. 2. Howler monkeys aren't that cute. Until they start throwing poo. Awwww. 3. Bonding with your parents should be done with caution. Other connotations of the word "bondage" include being tied to a tree, or forced to marry an unattractive indian man. Or getting married in general, really.

Anyway, I went out with the English guy, and he was very nice. Until I killed him. Ok, I didn't kill him, but he should be so lucky! I would be a kick ass serial killer. Anyway, he didn't smell or give off a riotious Republican vibe or anything. That is all I wish to say on the subject, at least on the internet. I have returned to being single in NYC, so please watch out for more posts on my ever-so-exciting life as the men's lady.

Hypothetically Speaking...

Have you ever come home after a long and unproductive day, sat down on your highly impractical IKEA couch, opened three rejection letters from very polite assholes who "despite your impressive background, cannot offer you a job at this time", stared at the blank tv screen wondering where the remote was and why you weren't born with telekinetic powers or Inspector Gadget arms, admitted defeat after several attempts to hone any telekinetic powers you might have missed, drank the wine left over from the night before while you made confetti out of the rejection letters, then sat in the dark for an hour with shreds of paper all over as you reexamined your life, faced with the realization that your parents should have used better protection?

No? Me neither.

"Signs" or "Why My Third Grade Math Teacher Was a Failure"

Sign That Your Day is Looking Up!
It's 11 am. You haven't had breakfast and only have five minutes until your next class to grab a bite to eat. You head over to the vending machine, thinking to yourself that you probably don't have any cash and you might as well go straight to class instead and at least skim the reading you were supposed to do last night. You tell yourself to shut up (but not aloud this time...you've learned your lesson) and remain hopeful that the clinking sound in your wallet is made by big shiny quarters. As you wait in line, you are overjoyed to find that you have 75 cents in nickels! Exactly 75 cents...the amount necessary to get the cheapest item in the machine. You smile triumphantly and browse the cracker row, making your selection. Something that will tide me over until lunch but won't be too filling, you muse to yourself (again, not aloud...honestly, it wasnt a lesson you had to be taught twice). Finally, your turn! You carefully place the nickels in the slot, watching the screen register your investment: 5, 10, 15,....you don't even care that other people are waiting impatiently behind you...you can almost taste the chedder cheese, ..70, ... Sign That Your Day Is Actually Looking The Opposite Direction of Up and That You Should Really Have Thrown in the Towel Years Ago
...FUCK. Where’s that other nickel?! You know there was another nickel! Realizing that class starts in 30 seconds, you admit defeat and press the change button to get back your lousy 14 nickels. As you stand there in front of the machine, hearing each nickel drop, you try to ignore the people behind you who are now shifting positions, sighing, and avoiding your glance…probably silently judging you as well. You think back to a minute ago, when your heart was full of optimism and you were ready to embrace the world with open arms. You laugh a cynical laugh…more of a chuckle really. You realize that you just laughed out loud. FUCK. You realize that you just said the word FUCK out loud. You grab your nickels, mutter something about not being hungry anymore (as a futile attempt to make those around you believe that you chose not to buy anything), and run to class. No one will ever have to know about this, you whisper to yourself.

All Because of Me

After almost a week of no news, Really Big in Europe is about to knock its readers' socks off! (all three of them. two are present as this is being typed. fuck it. i'm just writing this for myself)

"What's the news?!", you yell angrily at your screen, foaming at the mouth?

I have scored not one, not two, not three, not five, but FOUR TICKETS to the U2 Concert in D.C. next fall! Not impressed? Wait, there's more...

These tickets are in the first row of seats from the floor and are all in the same section! While my chances of touching Bono or being brought on stage and lying beside him while he sings "With or Without You" are not as high as they would have been had I bought general admission tickets, my chances of not getting trampled by other (albeit much less attractive) adoring fans is higher this way. Still not impressed? Oh, but there's more..

Ok. No there isn't. That's it. Sorry it's not good enough for you. You're a real a**hole, you know that?

EEEEK!

So, upon recommendation of an ex-friend, I decided to add Haloscan to the blog and seriously f*cked up the template and comments posting, etc...I think some of it has been fixed since then, but this just serves as a harsh reminder that computers are not our friends...and neither is a certain blond girl with "bright" ideas.

Death is no laughing matter.....

"The 52 Funniest Things About the Upcoming Death of the Pope"

Although it would be nice to take credit for such offensive trash, I have to give credit where its due: Matt Taibbi of the New York Press.

Selected tid-bits:

51. After death, saggy, furry tits of dead Pope begin inexorable process of melting away into nothingness, like coldest of Sno-cones under the faintest of suns.

45. Pope departs Earth at a time when Hitch is the top-grossing movie in the world.

28. Bears everywhere shitting in woods.

22. Mankind scrambles to choose new leader of inflexible, sexually morbid institutional anachronism; heretofore anonymous bureaucrat will instantly be celebrated as world;s holiest man as he travels to AIDS-stricken Africa to denounce the use of condoms.

7. According to ancient tradition, the slamming shut of the Bronze Door in St. Peter's Square announces the death of the Pope.

6. Normal Vatican procedure closes that door at 8pm every night and reopens it in the morning.

5. According to numerous reports, if the Pope dies at night this time no one will know what to do. (This is not a joke)

2. This is what happens when weird old men in dresses communicate with world with doors and chimneys.

A Day In the Life...

So, you've been asking yourself, "What is it like to be at a top-tier law school (or one very close to being top-tier, ok. fine. an ABA approved law school...since 2004.)? I bet the class discussions are off the hook...all those brains in one room discussing government and shaping the future of the American judicial system..."
Well, wonder no more, my inferior friend...below is a copy of one law student's notes in Civil Procedure. Most identities have been protected in case some of these people stumble upon this blog and decide they want to kick some Chatouille ass...everything else is verbatim.

Class Topic: Trial by Jury.

Question one: Juries...Who needs 'em? (begin "thoughtful class discussion").

Anonymous Student 1: “Why should people with education and experience decide everything? Back home in Hickville, we have people with very minimal education and precarious social skills represent an entire state in the legislature! I mean these people sign their names with Xs and some view showering as an option…and they make laws! That, in my opinion, is what America is all about.”

Jim*: “Jurors are great because they decide on their emotions instead of relying on boring laws and evidence like judges. Do you think what I just said is revolutionary?...Because I’ve always seen myself as more of a philosopher than the friendless law student the girl next to me implies I am.”

Anonymous Student 2: “Judges are assholes too…who can trust them to make decisions? I mean, come on, they used to be lawyers.”

Anonymous Student 3: “Why don’t all of you Loyalists who are against the jury system go back to Old England and get f*ed by Feudal Lords…un-American bastards”

Professor Peterson: “How HOT am I right now??”

Next Question: Is it fair to strike jurors because of their sex or race?

Anonymous Student 4: “Depends on whether you’re asking me that as a citizen or as a lawyer trying to win a case.” (Translation: I plan on being a crooked lawyer and I want everyone to know it.)

Inside My head: Are we talking about physically striking people or is there some legal meaning to “strike” that has eluded me?...Because that would definitely affect my answer…Let’s face it, some people are just begging for a good beat-down, and often those people are women and minorities.

Jim: (making a completely irrelevant comment yet again) “I think that pink elephants should be allowed to hop over rainbows.”

Professor Peterson: “Supreme Court has held that lawyers cannot strike jurors based on gender…when I just said that, it was HOT right??”

END of Discussion.
* Jim’s anonymity is not protected because 1) the bastard sits next to me so every time he has a light-bulb moment and feels like sharing it, I have to quit my Solitaire game and pretend to pay attention, 2) having one real name in the transcript makes it "come alive" for the reader, or so I've been told.

Really Big in Europe: Your exclusive home for photos of Tim Robbins surreptitiously flipping Chris Rock the bird at the Oscars.  

What Could Possibly Be More Important Than My Headache?

After several weeks of extreme self-involvment, where my only concerns were how much sleep I wasn't getting and how many job interviews I wasnt being offered, I finally logged on to http://bbcnews.com to see if the rest of the world had anything to rival my life's problems.

What I've briefly read about today:

1) Lebanon's Prime Minister has stepped down after two weeks of protests by the Lebanese people (following the assassination of the former prime minister, Rafik Hariri) demanding that Syria remove its 14,000 troops from Lebanon. Apparently Syria has had troops in Lebanon left over from the Lebanese Civil War that lasted from 1975-1990! If this isn't news to you, then you are a much more worldly person than I am.

2) The US Supreme Court has banned juvenile executions. If only they'd done this 10 years ago, my teenage years would have been something to write about.

3) There's a little girl from Florida who is still missing after 5 days. Let's face it. She's dead. Even though Jeb Bush says that "we can hope for a miracle." Her father and grandparents claim that she was tucked into bed on Wednesday night and was missing by Thursday morning. Let's face another fact. Her father and grandparents have killed her.

OK. so lots of shit is going on in a lot of other places...like the nine U.N. workers killed last week in the Democratic Republic of the Congo or the car bomb in Iraq that killed 125 people on Monday. The point is, I'm really hungry and tired and I can't believe that I have two papers due within the next two weeks. Life is so unfair.