Yes, you heard it here second to last: Fido Castro has resigned his post as…dictator? We too were shocked (SHOCKED) to learn that Castro was still alive. In a letter published by the Communist Party’s Granny Newspaper, the man who helped the Miami Cuban community flourish for 49 years stated, “I will neither aspire to nor accept, I repeat, I will neither aspire to nor accept the positions of President of the State Council and Commander in Chief.” Castro went on to add, “don’t even try begging me to do it. I will not, I repeat, will not even consider…hey! where did everyone go?” The 81-year-old Castro has not appeared in public for almost 19 months since he underwent breast augmentation surgery and “temporarily” ceded power to his sexily named brother, Rrrraauuuul. Still, Castro insists that, despite all evidence to the contrary, he’s still alive: "This is not my farewell to you. My only wish is to fight as a soldier in the battle of ideas. I shall continue to write under the heading of 'Reflections by comrade Fidel.'" There’s no telling if these reflections will rival those of comrade Jack Handey. Only time will tell, and as the man who is pretending to be Castro claims, he has plenty of that. In the P.S. section of the letter, under the xoxo and K.I.T., Castro added that he plans on “writing” these reflections by batting his eyelashes in what will prove to be an unprecedented and moving..,what? The Diving bell and what? Oh. That’s unfortunate.
We took this world shattering news to the streets, and into our favorite sandwich shop, in order to get a sense of how deeply it has affected our citizenry. We posed the question, “How do you feel about Castro’s news?” and received the following responses:
“What? Did he die?”
“When do we get to vacation in Cuba? I hear it’s cheap there.”
“Castro? No thanks, I only use olive oil,”
And perhaps the most significant response of all,
“Are you in line?”
We think that sums it up perfectly. Are we in line, indeed.* And if so, for what?**
*the answer was yes.
** The ham and swiss on wheat. Oh, that was a good sandwich
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