A Naked American Man Stole My Balloons.

It's been well established that Halloween is the official religious holiday of RBIE (if you happen to be on the staff and didnt know about this fairly new development, you missed the meeting. it was tuesday. we all voted. there was free beer.) As such, i've compiled a short list of "Dos and Don'ts" for the holiday weekend, based on my own research as resident Halloween specialist:

1. DO think of a creative costume to wear to a Halloween party. (Popular Costumes to shy away from if you want to stand out: Guys-pirate or anything involving a dress and lipstick. Girls-slutty something--chances are if your costume was inspired by a children's nursery rhyme, you are delving into slut territory.)

2. DON'T go to bed still wearing your costume just because you feel you put too much time and energy into it (goddammit!) to just discard it like some unwanted pregnancy. Chances are you'll wake up with fake wig hair in your mouth and some serious plastic bead-sized bruises on your chest. Exception to this rule: if you end up crashing at someone else's that night, keep your costume on...nobody respects a halloween gigolo.

3. DO plan on having a good time at the party.

4. DON'T plan on hooking up with the hot guy in the zorro mask and bandana: there's a high probability that he is both bald and (unfortunately for the both of you), the extreme opposite of hot.

5. DO take a cab home after you've been drinking...even if you have to steal it away from some poor guy who actually called ahead and reserved the cab.

6. DON'T pull an Odysseus and yell your name out the window as the cab is pulling away and said guy is left stranded and freezing on the side of a deserted street....especially if you recognize him from school.

7. DO watch a scary movie the night after the party to give your liver a rest. I personally recommend An American Werewolf in London for its creative combination of humor and carnage. I too was skeptical of the film that inspired Thriller, but ten minutes into it realized that it was about to change my life for the better.

8. DON'T watch House of Wax. Unless you do it as a drinking game, taking a shot every time Paris Hilton has her mouth on someone (or a part of someone) else. You'll be wasted in the first three minutes. No joke. I'm so fucking drunk right now...

Halloween Costume Ideas

(courtesy of NY Metro)

Tom Cruise: Whiten teeth, walk on kness, and wear a straightjacket.

Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher: Guy must wear a ridiculous white suit with matching fedora. Girl must be hot and old. Make sure you are both wearing the requisite red string bracelet. Have a friend who doesn't know what to go as yet? Shave their head and have them follow you around as a creepy Bruce Willis.

The Burger King Man: Since those Burger King commericals are the scariest thing to hit TV cince Joan Rivers' gig on E! go to the BK website and order your own King mask. Throwing around Meatnormous breakfast sandwiches is recommended to round out the costume.

Open letter to NY straphangers:

What the hell is wrong with you people? Don’t you have any manners? Or any sense of dignity? Why do you feel the need to place your sweaty bodies up against mine instead of holding onto the bar? Why do you stand DIRECTLY in front of the doors while the rest of the car is empty, refusing to let people on or off, deliberately ignore the people saying "excuse me" while trying to get by. Why is it that you feel the need to push? You don’t fucking know me, get your hands off! Take your book bags off and put your newspaper down so other people have room to stand! Throw away your coffee! And wake the hell up if you are sleeping and get a clue! Were you all deprived of affection as children and can only get some if you hump someone on the subway? Why don’t you understand the concept of personal space? Why do you insist on trying to group hug instead of embracing the real New York mind set of DeNiro in Taxi Driver: "You know me? You talking to me?" and keep your shit to yourself? All I’m trying to do is get to work, not cause a stampede. And chances are, everyone else is trying to do the same. So stop being so freaking selfish, be courteous, give the pregnant and elderly your seat, and join the human race. Thank you.

(In the meantime, I will continue cringing and giving people dirty looks, but soon I will resort to pushing back and throwing elbows.)

Honey, Are You Absolutely, Positively, 100% Sure You're Not a Crack Whore?

We here at RBIE realize that our very busy everyday schedules have caused us to lag in the frequency and substance (see "An Open Letter to My Brain Gone Awry") of our normally informative posts. As one concerned reader recently put it, "have you gone off your medication?-- because i don't write those prescriptions to help pass the time."

The truth is, some of us have been drinking way too much (Id.) to dull the pain of having serious- second-thoughts (because "hate" is such a strong word) about our chosen career path, others have been busy trying to 'get busy' in NYC, and still others are...i don't know....celebrating Jewish holidays?

The point is, although our respective depressions, desperations, and celebrations don't seem to be letting up, we'd like to start reporting the news again. Not just any news...but news our readers can relate to. Thought-provoking news. News we steal from other websites.

Case in point: A High-School Student in Australia Was Made to Feel Like Paris Hilton For A Day

"The 17-year-old from northern New South Wales was stunned to discover students had copied footage from an X-rated website featuring an actress she looked like.
The 10 seconds of film was then circulated by email to dozens of other students, wrongly claiming she was the star. "

The worst (best?) part of the story is that after her parents viewed the footage, the girl so resembled the porn star that even her father was convinced:

"She was crying in her room. I asked her if she had ever been drugged at a party because the video shows the porn star with eyes rolling and acting in a possible drug-induced state. She replied, 'No, never'."

Having everyone at school think you're a porn star is one thing, but having your dad watch the video and then ask you if somehow you made a porn one night while half-conscious is beyond degrading and indicative of deep family issues that only Dr. Phil could unravel.

This actually reminds me of a trick my mother used when i was younger to coax me into admitting i stole money from her without having to actually incriminate myself. "Are you sure you didn't accidentally walk into my closet and your hand didn't accidentally pull a twenty out of my purse? I'm not saying you stole it...maybe you took it unwittingly?"

Basically, whether the girl 'starred' in the porn or not, her father thinks she's at least capable of being a drugged-up prostitute. And he's probably right. I mean, i did steal twenties from my mom. Who am i to judge?

An Open Letter to My Brain Gone Awry

I am soooooo sorry for drinking five vodka tonics last night. I understand you're really hurting today...but could you just keep down the hammering? And what the fuck was that dream about this morning? A nature channel from space observing humans? I dont know where you get that shit, but i dont like you manifesting these schizophrenic tendencies everytime i have a few drinks.

What's that? I'm talking to myself? What do you mean you're making me write this crap? Way to take the credit for everything. I'm crazy? No, buddy, you're the fucking looney. You heard me. I didn't mind when you made me trip over myself last night...and i was willing to overlook that you made me spill red-bull and vodka all over a good friend (that was actually pretty funny), but i'll be damned if i let you insult me...in writing...to myself. I think we should cool it a bit...maybe spend some time apart.

That's fine with you? You're just not that into me? I can't believe you just said that...i think we're done here.

Dear Future Boyfriend, The Man You Will Never Live Up To:

Chris Martin.

Fun things I learned firsthand from attending the Coldplay Concert last night:

1) Chris Martin's bodyguards are not afraid to push women.

2) Chris can really run.

3) That is most likely the closest i will ever be to a beautiful man who can play the piano, sing, be funny, socially aware, and have a sexy accent...*

*According to my mother, that's probably the closest i'll ever be to a man. Period.

I'm gonna go swallow a bottle of pills now.