Stop Hatin' On Donnie Darko's Sister Already!

Actress Maggie Gyllenhaal has been getting a lot of hate from some of her fellow Americans over comments she made about the U.S. government’s role in the events of 9/11. Much of this hate has come from misguided readers, who for some reason or another (I blame the public school system), took her comments to mean that the U.S. deserved the attacks because of its questionable foreign policy over the last 50 years.

First of all, to anyone with an 8th grade education, Maggie’s comments are definitely not a sanction of what happened on 9/11. At no point does she ever say “we deserved this.” All she says is that the attacks didn’t come from nowhere…there’s some reason people are pissed at the U.S. enough to plan an attack, and as citizens, we should try and find out these reasons, so we can prevent similar events from occurring in the future.

A friend of mine recently summed up the protesters’ position for me as “What happened on 9/11 was so horrendous that we shouldn’t even be asking if the Government’s foreign policy could have contributed to it because there’s just no way to justify what those terrorists did.”

The problem here is one of semantics. Discerning whether something contributed to an event is wholly different from trying to justify what happened. There are lots of events in history that are unjustifiable, but we can still look back and see all the different elements that led up to them.

Perhaps the following allegory will help better explain Maggie’s position*:

Imagine coming home from school one day to find that all of your siblings have been brutally murdered. Naturally, you are shocked to find that the murderer is some woman who lives across town, and as far as you can tell, has no connection to you or anyone you know.
Later on however, you discover that your mother not only had an affair with the woman’s husband, but had also stolen a job from her a year earlier. Granted, murdering innocent children is hardly fair payback for having her husband and job stolen; it’s really unjustified. But now you’ve come to realize that your mom in some way contributed to what happened. It’s not that she’s a bad mom. She would never have expected any harm to come to her kids,…and you still love her and everything, but in the future, you might want to pay closer attention to how and with whom she conducts her relationships.


Being aware and sometimes critical of your Government’s foreign policy does not make you less patriotic. If anything, it makes you a more informed citizen. It’s important to believe in your country’s role in the world, but it’s equally important to understand how the rest of the world interprets that role. Whether you like it or not, how the world sees us will shape the events in our future.
In the end, isn’t it always the children that pay?

Oye!

We all know I am not the most well-informed Jew on the planet; however I have been noticing some very strange and contradictory behavior from my people.

1. On a recent episode of "While You Were Out" on TLC (please note that I hate this show and watch it as seldom as possible) they decided to make over the dining room in an Orthodox Jewish home. Not commenting on the fact that the table had to sit 20 people, it was repeated over and over again that the men on the cast were not allowed to touch the woman of the house. Some tradition, about her husband being the only man to touch her.

2. In Williamsburg, Brooklyn, 3 teenage Orthodox Jewish boys were killed in a fire in their home because a stove had been left on for 3 days. They weren't allowed to turn it off because it is Passover and they aren't supposed to use electricity.

3. While on the subway yesterday, I saw an Orthodox Jewish family crammed on the 4 train during rush hour. So that means they were not only touching something that uses electricity, but judging by how crowded the subway was, all of the women were probably touching other men.

What gives??

don't drink and blog

one reason they always say to wear a condom and buckle up and love the one you're with: man, meaning woman, was not made for too much long-term committment, like death or marriage. at a job interview this morning...somewhere uptown, i managed to say the word, "p-p-p-policy" in the context of the business community. and then i vomited on my interviewer. ok, that didn't happen, but if it did, i would at least have a real reason for why I don't yet have a summer internship. i think, because excuses are easier than a 9 to 5 type job, and sensible shoes.

will you hire me? or at least, give me money in exchange for my occassional presence and upbeat personality?

How To Wrap An Insult In Compliment In a Proposition

Sometimes, a friend's honesty can go a long way in helping you realize that secretly, you hate them:

- "With your wit and my beauty, there's no limit to what we could accomplish as a team!"

- "Ahem..what about my beauty? I've often been told I'm very striking."

- "One comment from a drunk redneck at a dive does not qualify as 'often'...and I believe his exact words were purty lil' thang."

- "Fine. We're a team...but remember, i'm the witty one."

- "Definitely. Um...and when we get there, try not to look up too often."

I Faked It.

A new study reveals that cell phone users often fake phone conversations. Are you kidding me?! How is it possible that I, who already spend endless hours a day in an alternate fantasy world in which everyone loves and admires me for fear that I will smite them, did not think of this?
Just contemplating all the uncomfortable phone conversations I could have faked to make my train ride more enjoyable ("You did WHAT with that girl?! How could you? I'm pregnant, you bastard...with triplets...no, no, don't tell your brother yet; he'd be crushed. We're still in couple's therapy, afterall") makes me regret the minutes I've wasted talking to real, less attractive people.

At the same time, the study also makes me insecure about all the times I've walked up to someone just as they recieved an "important call." Were they lying to me just to avoid my company? (absurd, i know.)

Please don't ever do that to me. I hate smiting.

White smoke? Not a hukah, but another infallible white guy

Well, they picked a new pope. And in traditional pope-ular fashion, he is neither black, nor hispanic (as half of the world's Catholics are). He does seem to be an old man, however, and I think this is a strong indication that the Catholic Church in coming years will continue to "stay the course", because it is difficult to walk quickly when the world is passing you by. I'm sure he even dodders a little, but just enough to be out of touch with his followers.

In other news, I am officially looking for some nookie. Spring has sprung in Manhattan, and it's high time I get...sprung, too. They say in New York, a girl's always looking for either a job, an apartment, or a man. In true overachiever fashion, I am looking for a small bit of all three (only a small bit, because I get bored easily). I'm posting this because, well, I'm posting this because I don't want to work on my paper, but also because I do believe strongly in the power of creative visualization. I also believe in unicorns though, so please don't take me too seriously.

If I were a jellybean, I would be margarita-flavored (it DOES exist), but of course people wouldn't understand that I'm not the kind of margarita you can get drunk on and end up horribly disappointed after consuming large quantities of me. If that isn't an allegory for love, I don't know what is.

If you were a Jelly Bean, what flavor would you be?

Job interviews are hard. All that fake smiling and artful lying can exhaust even the most practiced of interviewees (a.k.a the chronically unemployed). Pasted below is part of an interview I had earlier today. I need a nap and perhaps an IV.

Interviewer: We're looking for someone who is confident, self-reliant, and persistent.
Me: Lucky for you, I possess ALL of those qualities!
My head: fuck. why wasnt that in the job description online?! maybe i could pull off confidence, but i have a hunch that self-reliance implies i learn things on my own....is that what it means? i should ask someone.

Interviewer: Why do you want to work here specifically?
Me: I've heard wonderful things about your program and what you do. I can't think of a better place to gain experience in a field i plan to pursue as a career!
My head: Why don't you ask all the other jobs that rejected me.

Interviewer: Name one time at your previous job where you had to make an important decision in an emergency.
Me: During the time I worked at a Doctor's office, I once saved a man's life by calling 911 when he walked in and with slurred speech complained of chest pain. He was having a stroke.
My head: Where the fuck did that just come from?! I know you're supposed to think quick on your feet, but you cant make yourself a hero in every story! I dont think he bought it anyway. Shit. Did I just describe the symptoms of a heart attack and a stroke together? I think I was going to make the patient an alcoholic, but something changed my mind...

Interviewer: I see that you speak French. That's great! You'll definitely get a chance to use that this summer.
Me: Really?! That's wonderful!
My head: Je suis screwed.

A Girl Can Dream...

Dear Sunday Manager at Cafe Asia,
Sometimes when i walk by a restaurant that has outside seating, i like to pause and watch the patrons sip their thai ice-teas and enjoy their relaxing afternoons...and i like to imagine that they are my friends and we are having lunch.
I dont know why you had a hard time comprehending this (i can only guess there was a language barrier), but confronting me in front of everyone and asking me if i wanted my own table or would rather move along as i was making table four uncomfortable was a bit of an overreaction on your part, don't you think? Obviously i was joking when i pointed in the direction of the 3 lovely people sitting there and responded that indeed i wanted to sit at that table and no other. There's a very simple explanation for why I was so close to them in the first place-- it's impossible to imagine yourself as part of a group conversation if you don't even know the topic of discussion!
I hope this letter clears up any doubts you had as to my character and that you will kindly remove the order barring me from your establishment. I, in turn, will forgive you for your unprovoked harassment.

Sincerely Yours,
Chatouille

P.S. maybe we can have lunch sometime?

"I'll Never Tell"....that is, unless I can do it artistically on an anonymous postcard.

Are you a voyeur at heart, but can’t afford binoculars?

Do you wish you could read other people’s minds because their diaries are often illegible?

Have you found yourself thinking “I bet there’s no one out there as sick in the head as I am” or “I want to find more people who really get me”?

Are you wasting time online when you should be studying because you have exams in two weeks but the thought of reviewing everything you’ve “learned” this past semester makes you queasy and wish you had ‘trophy spouse’ potential?

If you’ve answered yes to any of the above questions, then this site is right for you!
(if you answered yes to all of the above questions, then we should talk.)

My personal favorite is this card. Fifteen years ago, and I could have written it—wait…no…I mean, I could have written it when I was fifteen. (God I hated those psychotic stuffed animals. Let’s just say that I wasn’t always sure I’d live to see this day.)

--too lazy to send in a home-made postcard? Then feel free to post your secrets anonymously on our comments page. Come on, please? Diaries are hard to find.

Hungry? Grab a Snickers!

Another tragic case of impaired judgment brought on by hunger:

"The state Supreme Court on Thursday announced a two-year suspension for a lawyer caught having jailhouse sex with a triple-murder defendant she was representing." CBS News Lawyer Punished For Jail-Sex Romp April 8, 2005 01:00:00

All the lawyer had to say for herself was, "I really thought he was the one."

On a related note, new job opening in Seattle. To qualify, must have an extreme aversion to mixing business with pleasure.

Horoscope

Courtesy of the Onion, for you Geminis out there (and one in particular)

"You've always thought that your tendency to ask a lot of questions about the local culture was appreciated, but judging by the flames licking at your body and the tightness of the ropes, it seems you might have been mistaken."

You Went to NYC and Didn't Call Me??!*

School and work have been really distracting to the writers here at ReallyBigInEurope, and we apologize for the slight delay in posting. Thank you for your letters of inquiry, and for the 40 bucks we got from Dan in Arkansas. Dan, I speak for us all when I say that this site is not a pre-pay online call service. I don’t know how you got that idea, or my address for that matter, but you would have to send at least double that amount for us to consider your proposal. (checks payable to “cash” please)

You’ve probably guessed by now that I’m stalling and don’t actually have any news to post about. Instead I leave you with an entry from my weekend diary.

FRIDAY

8:00 AM: Fuck that was close. I got to the bus around 7:30, gave my bags to the driver so he could store them away, and asked him if there was enough time to get some coffee.
I think the driver said “You’d better make it fast. I want to leave just as soon as everything is loaded.”…although it sounded more like, “best be a quick-un..takinoff soons thing’s full.” And so I hurried. As I was waiting for my Venti-Skim-No-Whip Raspberry Latte (with extra raspberry) I glanced out the window and saw the bus taking off. The next few minutes are a little fuzzy. I ran out of the store, caught up to the bus as the light was changing from red to green and banged on the side…I don’t know what the other passengers were doing, but apparently no one notified the driver that there was a panicked girl in red running alongside the bus and screaming “Please stop the bus..please! My shit is in there!! I love you but I can’t stand the way you treat me!.”**

The bus didn’t stop. I know. Tragic.

I kept running and luckily two blocks away was another red light…I caught up to the door and this time decided to try jumping and hitting the door at the same time. I guess it was less of a decision and more of a last resort impulse. It worked. The driver perceptively noticed the pained look on my face and returned it with an uninterested “told yous t’hurry.” As I walked down the aisle to the only empty row of seats which was directly next to the bus toilet, I was reminded of the time I talked back to my 1st grade teacher and she made me walk up to the board and write my name while everyone laughed…mostly because I didn’t know how to spell my name yet and wrote “Horse” instead (which I cleverly copied from the poster next to the board, hoping the teacher wouldn’t notice) …long story short, kids are mean and some nicknames are best forgotten.

The adults on my bus are ten times meaner than my hateful 1st grade class. As I write this last sentence, I can still hear a snicker from the man with the gold tooth and cleft palate sitting in row 5.

* Just in case you should ask this when reading my post, I would have called but I was stuck with my sister's friends and they had a plan for every minute.
**This last sentence may be from another painful memory. I told you. It's a bit fuzzy.

"I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just gonna ask them where they're going and hook up with them later."

Quite possibly one of the funniest and most endearing comedians of our time, Mitch Hedberg passed away on March 30, 2005 at the age of 37. If you've never heard of him, you must not know me personally. And if you do, you must not listen to me, in which case, stop reading my blog, you self-obsessed bastard. I'm too heartbroken to write more, so I leave you with two of his jokes. To get the full effect, you have to hear his voice...it's all about the Mitch voice. :*(

I was at the airport and this guy came up to me and said "Dude, I saw you on tv last night." But he did not say if I was any good or not. He just confirmed that I was on the television. So I turned my head away from him for a minute, and then I turned back and said "Dude! I saw you at the airport...about a minute ago...and you were good."


I've been working colleges on my tour and I always buy t-shirts from the college...because they're quality shirts. But people always get the wrong idea. I'm walking around wearing a Washington U shirt and someone says,
"Hey! Washington U, Did you go there?"
"Yeah!...It was a Wednesday.