I heart fat boys

Another happy season of The Bachelorette has come to a close, and I again feel the need to ask, is pornography really that expensive? Do these obviously attractive, lovely women who subject themselves to television's most dashing single men (a rare selection), who tend to be of only average intellect and lower-than-normal-percentage bodyfat, really have no way to break their own hearts in their stupid, little small towns the old-fashioned way?

Also, remember Bob? The fat guy bachelor, who got his own bachelor show, then dissed that girl to marry a woman from a soap opera? He's got a CD out now, and can I just tell you, fat guys work extra hard to make up for what's missing physically. Thank god.

If we can learn anything from The Bachelorette, let it be that fat men are made for pleasure.

Top Ten Highlights of the Oscars: The Early Hours

Against my better judgment, I've been watching the Academy Awards for the last two hours, and five minutes ago, as the exciting "Lighting Effects" Oscar was being awarded, I had an epiphany. Why sit miserably bored in front of the TV all alone, when I could be sharing my disdain with the millions of readers that visit this blog every day. Yes, each and every day.
So here are the top ten highlights of my time watching the show (in no particular order):

1) Chris Rock's monologue, in which he managed to be extremely unfunny while delivering a tribute to Russel Crowe...(i'm afraid this highlights list is getting off to a poor start).

2) Beyonce singing in "franglais" with about 50 little boys from the American Boys Choir, which I can only assume is a singing fat camp.

3) Helping myself to a granola bar during Morgan Freeman's acceptance speech and realizing halfway through that I don't own any granola bars...this followed by sharing an awkward glance with my roommate who was sitting at the dining table behind me.

4) Oscar announcer introducing presenter Drew Barrymore as "the multi-talented Drew Barrymore"...because "the fucked up in the head and not so great of an actress, although she was cute in E.T. Drew Barrymore" would have taken up too much air time.

5) Beyonce singing some other song from some other movie, but in English this time...which ironically, was no better than her french.

6) Chris Rock introducing Penelope Cruz and Salma Hayek as "four presenters you won't be able to take your eyes off," thereby actually sinking to Jay Leno level humor.

7) Helping myself to some milk during some Italian guy's acceptance speech, realizing that I haven't bought milk in over a month...and sharing another even more awkward glance with my roommate, who was this time actually standing in the kitchen next to me.

8) WTF? Beyonce on stage again? They must be paying her by the hour.

9) Martin Scorcese silently weeping while being thanked by the editing director of the Aviator...a very emotional moment when someone cries for editing...made me want to cry for the lack of editing apparent in the Oscar telecast.

10) Me watching the Oscars fade away as I pressed the power button on the remote...and then playing my favorite Beyonce CD because it was about that time....

If you found this top ten list boring, think of all the crap I had to edit out. It's enough to make Scorsese shed a single tear.

Unemployment Diary, Day 7

This was my day yesterday:

12:30pm Wake Up

1:00 pm Finally get out of bed and eat some cereal.

1:00-4:00pm Watch TV. Too much time was devoted to Rachael Ray on the Food Network (who I think is a really lonely, sad woman and really irritating. I watch her show b/c I think she needs friends) and also "Pat Croce: Moving In." Its my new guilty pleasure.

4:00-4:45pm Got off my ass and went to gym b/c I felt guilty about sitting around all day.

5:00-5:15pm Shower

5:15-10:00pm Watched more TV. Seinfeld, Everybody Loves Raymond (2 episodes each), Joey, Will & Grace, Apprentice, etc.

(8:30pm Ate dinner, but all I had was soup. Maybe I should've tried one of those recipes from the Food Network)

10:00-11:00pm Read Slaughterhouse Five (and finished it)

11:00-11:30pm Wrote an email to a certain Asian-Cuban woman who has been nothing but a bitch lately.

11:30-12:30pm Watched Emeril Live, who I also hate, and the Birthday Cake Competition on Food Network.

12:30pm Sleep.

Gotta Love It!! I'm sure all of you with jobs/school are really jealous =)

"Wait A Minute! I Smell Alcohol On My Breath…You’re Drunk!”

Since my ungrateful friends are…well...ungrateful (in addition to being a little dim-witted and I’m pretty sure one of them has webbed feet), I’ve decided to take it upon myself to publicize my craftiness and ingenuity in getting us all a ride home last night.

After yet another predictable and lackluster night at Bar Review (a not-so-clever name for our law school’s bar night), my two friends and I gracefully stumbled out of the bar and started to “negotiate” with a cab driver who apparently didn’t understand how bargaining works and wouldn’t reduce his fare from $30…something about a meter and having to feed his ten children.

Enter Good Samaritan: a nice (and I emphasize, very harmless) guy who witnessed our dilemma and offered all of us a ride home for free. Despite the silent protests from my friends (it’s amazing how easily blank staring and eyebrow raising can convey the sentiment “what the fuck are you doing?!”), I immediately accepted his offer and so saved us from possibly having to murder a cab driver to steal his car, orphaning ten hungry children, and being stuck with the difficult task of framing another classmate.

Our friendly chauffer was a law student, not a serial killer (yup, I covered all the bases) or rapist, and I’m pretty sure he was sober. Here is a transcript of my hardline questioning:

Me: “Wait a minute. Are you sober?”
GS: “Yeah. Sure. Whatever."
Me: “Recite the Alphabet Backwards”
GS: “ZXYVW…”
Me: “OK. That’s a hard one…um…walk in a straight line like you’re on a tight-rope.”
GS: (walks).
Me: “Now, was that a straight line?...I’m a little too drunk to tell, but if you’re really sober, then you would be able to answer that...aha!"
GS: “Please get in the car, I’d like to get home.”

Anyway, the point is. We all got home safely. And for free. I rest my case.

Blind date

Tomorrow I am going on a blind date. My horoscope in the Onion says "Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21) It's true that we live in a disposable culture, but that's no reason to wad men up into little balls and throw them in the trash when you're done using them." So, I've decided, however badly this date goes, I will not wad up this man and throw him into the trash when I'm done using him. I'm hoping he is hot, as many computer engineers of Indian descent are. I should ask the men's lady.

Ask the Men's Lady

Dear Men's Lady,
I am addicted to candy. I can't go a day without feeling the delightful tickle of a sugar high. I've tried to replace this addiction with something more socially acceptable, like cigarettes or sex with random strangers, but nothing seems to stick. I feel like starting to chew gum would be counter-productive, but I'm at my wit's end, and I'll try anything!

Desperately,
23-year old with a blue tongue

Dear blue tongue,
Yeah, are you a fatass? Thath's coo, if you are, I just need it for my visual. Did you know giraffes have black tongues? It's perfectly natural, but if you're uncomfortable with it, switch to candy that only turns your tongue pink. Keep it real.

~men's lady

Get Some While You Can Allah

Earlier today in Brussels, President Bush declared that it is "simply ridiculous to assume that the United States has plans to attack Iran over its alleged nuclear weapons program." This statement came in the face of recent media revelations about the U.S. Government's not-so-secret-anymore surveillance of Iranian nuclear facilities.

The statement was a welcome assurance to Iranian officials who have spent weeks worrying that their wives and mistresses would definitely not put out with so many hot and significantly less hairy American soldiers milling about the streets, in the event of a lengthy U.S. occupation.

Their respite was brief however, as Bush then added, “Anyway, haven’t we already invaded Iran?..Oh, I see, so we’ve attacked Iraq…and you’re sure they’re not the same place? Hmnn..how hot are Iranian women?”

This humble journalist, having it on good authority that Iranian women are in fact HOT enough to have it written in rhinestones across their chests, doesn’t see this episode ending well for the Mullahs. You heard it here first.

Ask the Men's Lady

Dear Men's Lady,
My roommate is a bitch. On Monday, she's a bitch, she's a big fat bitch, she's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world. On Tuesday, she's a bitch, she's a big fat bitch, she's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world. On Wednesday, well, on Wednesday she's a little better, but you get the picture. What should I do?
~Living with a bitch in Rosslyn

Dear bitch,
It sounds to me like your roommate is a bitch. When she's mean to you next time, you should set something of hers on fire. She will either get the picture, or die in a fire. Either way, you win, and maybe your next roommate, in your prison cell, won't be so bad. That's the only way to play this. Keep on trucking.

~Men's Lady

Celebrity Death News

Keith Knudsen is dead!!!

REALLY?!?!

Yes, he died of cancer on Tuesday, February 8 (2005).


WHO?!?

He was the drummer from the Doobie Brothers. His best friend Tom Johnston, also the band's founder, had some very moving words for the occasion: "I'm going to miss him as a buddy.''

AWWW.

spiked mints

this is our first post so we can see if this blog is in service. it only took us three hours of navigating this site to get to this point. indeed.
if you are impressed with this post, wait till you see what we have in store for you! (if you're not impressed, just wait an indeterminate amount of time).

What you have to look forward to:

1) Thoughtful and clever insight into what it means to be Really Big In Europe.

2) General advice column from the Men's Lady. You have burning questions, she has incoherent answers.

3) Weekly horoscope from our very own astronomer!

and much much more!!!!

so go ahead and throw away that suicide note! you won't be needing that now that we're here...