If you were a Jelly Bean, what flavor would you be?

Job interviews are hard. All that fake smiling and artful lying can exhaust even the most practiced of interviewees (a.k.a the chronically unemployed). Pasted below is part of an interview I had earlier today. I need a nap and perhaps an IV.

Interviewer: We're looking for someone who is confident, self-reliant, and persistent.
Me: Lucky for you, I possess ALL of those qualities!
My head: fuck. why wasnt that in the job description online?! maybe i could pull off confidence, but i have a hunch that self-reliance implies i learn things on my own....is that what it means? i should ask someone.

Interviewer: Why do you want to work here specifically?
Me: I've heard wonderful things about your program and what you do. I can't think of a better place to gain experience in a field i plan to pursue as a career!
My head: Why don't you ask all the other jobs that rejected me.

Interviewer: Name one time at your previous job where you had to make an important decision in an emergency.
Me: During the time I worked at a Doctor's office, I once saved a man's life by calling 911 when he walked in and with slurred speech complained of chest pain. He was having a stroke.
My head: Where the fuck did that just come from?! I know you're supposed to think quick on your feet, but you cant make yourself a hero in every story! I dont think he bought it anyway. Shit. Did I just describe the symptoms of a heart attack and a stroke together? I think I was going to make the patient an alcoholic, but something changed my mind...

Interviewer: I see that you speak French. That's great! You'll definitely get a chance to use that this summer.
Me: Really?! That's wonderful!
My head: Je suis screwed.