"Wait A Minute! I Smell Alcohol On My Breath…You’re Drunk!”

Since my ungrateful friends are…well...ungrateful (in addition to being a little dim-witted and I’m pretty sure one of them has webbed feet), I’ve decided to take it upon myself to publicize my craftiness and ingenuity in getting us all a ride home last night.

After yet another predictable and lackluster night at Bar Review (a not-so-clever name for our law school’s bar night), my two friends and I gracefully stumbled out of the bar and started to “negotiate” with a cab driver who apparently didn’t understand how bargaining works and wouldn’t reduce his fare from $30…something about a meter and having to feed his ten children.

Enter Good Samaritan: a nice (and I emphasize, very harmless) guy who witnessed our dilemma and offered all of us a ride home for free. Despite the silent protests from my friends (it’s amazing how easily blank staring and eyebrow raising can convey the sentiment “what the fuck are you doing?!”), I immediately accepted his offer and so saved us from possibly having to murder a cab driver to steal his car, orphaning ten hungry children, and being stuck with the difficult task of framing another classmate.

Our friendly chauffer was a law student, not a serial killer (yup, I covered all the bases) or rapist, and I’m pretty sure he was sober. Here is a transcript of my hardline questioning:

Me: “Wait a minute. Are you sober?”
GS: “Yeah. Sure. Whatever."
Me: “Recite the Alphabet Backwards”
GS: “ZXYVW…”
Me: “OK. That’s a hard one…um…walk in a straight line like you’re on a tight-rope.”
GS: (walks).
Me: “Now, was that a straight line?...I’m a little too drunk to tell, but if you’re really sober, then you would be able to answer that...aha!"
GS: “Please get in the car, I’d like to get home.”

Anyway, the point is. We all got home safely. And for free. I rest my case.