Top Ten Highlights of the Oscars: The Early Hours

Against my better judgment, I've been watching the Academy Awards for the last two hours, and five minutes ago, as the exciting "Lighting Effects" Oscar was being awarded, I had an epiphany. Why sit miserably bored in front of the TV all alone, when I could be sharing my disdain with the millions of readers that visit this blog every day. Yes, each and every day.
So here are the top ten highlights of my time watching the show (in no particular order):

1) Chris Rock's monologue, in which he managed to be extremely unfunny while delivering a tribute to Russel Crowe...(i'm afraid this highlights list is getting off to a poor start).

2) Beyonce singing in "franglais" with about 50 little boys from the American Boys Choir, which I can only assume is a singing fat camp.

3) Helping myself to a granola bar during Morgan Freeman's acceptance speech and realizing halfway through that I don't own any granola bars...this followed by sharing an awkward glance with my roommate who was sitting at the dining table behind me.

4) Oscar announcer introducing presenter Drew Barrymore as "the multi-talented Drew Barrymore"...because "the fucked up in the head and not so great of an actress, although she was cute in E.T. Drew Barrymore" would have taken up too much air time.

5) Beyonce singing some other song from some other movie, but in English this time...which ironically, was no better than her french.

6) Chris Rock introducing Penelope Cruz and Salma Hayek as "four presenters you won't be able to take your eyes off," thereby actually sinking to Jay Leno level humor.

7) Helping myself to some milk during some Italian guy's acceptance speech, realizing that I haven't bought milk in over a month...and sharing another even more awkward glance with my roommate, who was this time actually standing in the kitchen next to me.

8) WTF? Beyonce on stage again? They must be paying her by the hour.

9) Martin Scorcese silently weeping while being thanked by the editing director of the Aviator...a very emotional moment when someone cries for editing...made me want to cry for the lack of editing apparent in the Oscar telecast.

10) Me watching the Oscars fade away as I pressed the power button on the remote...and then playing my favorite Beyonce CD because it was about that time....

If you found this top ten list boring, think of all the crap I had to edit out. It's enough to make Scorsese shed a single tear.