Monday, March 20, 2006

Happy New Year, Part II

To all the (non-militant) Persians around the world, RBIE says:

HAPPY NEW YEAR! 1385!!!

We'd also like to add that your Norooz (New Year), coinciding with the first day of Spring, and taking place at the same moment in time all over the world...is by far the coolest. We took an unbiased and highly scientific survey. You won. Yeah we did. Shut up.

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Finally, Affirmation.

Sometimes (ok, often) I wake up in the morning wondering if i'm really using my life to its fullest potential by becoming a lawyer. When I was a little, beautiful, and incredibly advanced for my years (but not in a slutty way) girl, I dreamed of one day using my intellect for good....to better the world, heal the children...and other crap like that.

But all around me there's so much negative criticism of the legal field and of how overly litigious our society has grown---on tv, in newspapers, in class, on the phone with my dad who still tells people that I got pregnant and was sent to a convent because he's too embarrassed to say the words "law school."----and despite myself, it gets to me.

Then I read this story...and my faith in the profession is instantly restored.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

WILL FERRELL FOUND ALIVE!!!!

Will Ferrell is not dead. I knew there was something fishy about the story when i read he was paragliding. He is and forever will be alive. He's immortal...

Furthermore, Assholes who write fake stories about people dying should be shot in the head...several times, each time missing their brain just enough so that they can feel it before they die....maybe scientists could help. Friends who call to read me fake stories of someone's death but fail to mention that its a hoax should have to watch the assholes get shot.

I'm not normally a violent person...but that story really shook me. Now to go wipe away the tears of panic....and cuddle with my "Anchorman" DVD.


Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Paranoia...

How did I spend my weekend? Scared like a little kid watching "Are You Afraid of the Dark" or reading "Scary Stories." Remember those?! Those were the days.....

Ok, so I have been living in NY for almost two years now, not to mention that I was born here and my parents are from here as well. You can say I'm a hard-ass. I take the rush-hour subways, I brave the crowds, I yell at people when they get in my way, I walk pretty fast, I live in Queens! But this past Saturday night, I totally got freaked out and was terrified to be alone.

Unless you live under a rock, I'm sure you heard of that grad student who was brutally murdered a few weeks ago. I mean, hey, rapes happen all the time. No biggie, right? But that was quite disturbing. So as the search for the killer continues, I have been noticing a few things.... Where I live its very residential, a some-what blue-collar community. Which means its not well-lit, there aren't too many people walking around at night, and there are a helluva lot of large ass vans with tinted windows on the street. I counted the other day.. On my walk from the subway to my house--two blocks-- there are 39!!! (Actual cars: 55) 39 potential pervs hiding out just waiting to snatch me up! (We all know to stay away from vans, remember all those myths from when we were little? Every neighborhood had a perv van kids would whisper about on the bus). Plus, there aren't too many women around. Mostly men, huddling around on the corner, giving you looks as you pass.

So usually I walk home with my boyfriend, but about once a week I go out by myself and come home late at night, but I feel safe because he is just a few steps away. But his weekend he went out of town. I went out with some friends who started telling me this CRAZY story about a friend who was followed around by a guy on a bike. She was able to escape because a nice bus driver saw her looking freaked out and picked her up and took her to her house. Turns out there was a rape in her neighborhood on the news the next morning and the description of the man matched the creepy guy! So as I leave my friends at like 2 in the morning, I attempt to take the subway home and its not running. So I totally splurged and took a cab home (hey, taking a cab to Queens is pricey!). And as soon as I got inside I bolted my doors and windows.

I'm such a wuss!

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Rant, rant, bo-bant....

There have been some stories in the news lately that really piss me off:

(1) Roe v. Wade for Men
I wish it were a joke.... There is a group of men who are apparently trying to "stand up for Mens' Rights" by fighting legislation that requires them to pay for child support. The lawsuit was initiated by a man that was angry at having to pay for his ex-girlfriend's baby. HELLO! It takes two people to have a child. Just because the woman is the one who has to carry it does not mean the man is off the hook. I am even more concerned when it comes to the impending doom that the South Dakota anti-abortion bill will cause if it makes it to the Supreme Court. Not only will this be very detrimental to womens' rights, but if they are going to be required by law to have a child once they become impregnated, they should require men to help pay for its care. Maybe Canada isn't looking so bad, eh?

(2) Dubai Ports deal
More proof of terrorism hysteria and greed. I am honestly surprised that such an anti-terrorist President as our own is supporting this deal. If you say you want to fight those "bad folks," why would you want to invite a Middle Eastern country to oversee the ports in 9/11 town? His logic is that Middle-East = Al-Qaeda. It just doesn't mesh. Especially because all but 2 people on the Committee to approve this project seem to think its a bad idea. Bush is expected to Veto their decision. Maybe he has some sort of deal brewing so that he'll reap some sort of profits from the thing. But, more importantly, just because they are a Middle Eastern country does not mean they are terrorists. Which in a back-ass-wards way makes Bush right.

(3) Brokeback Mountain
Ok, I admit, I've never seen it. However, I don't see what the big deal is. First of all, the story does not appeal to me in the slightest and I have no plans to see it, maybe ever. And that's not because it has to do with homosexuals. Its because its a Western and a love story, and I couldn't care less what those ranch hands do in their spare time in Canada (oh, I mean Wyoming). I think its great that mainstream culture has embraced the portrayal of gay cowboys, and that it may mean people are going to be more open-minded in the future (yeah, I know, like 2098 future), but I am glad it didn't sweep all of the awards. I think it was hyped WAY too much. Which leads me to my next point: The Oscar committee has gone ape-shit. "Hard Out Here for a Pimp" won for Best Song. I felt like I was watching MTV. I think that the song from Crash was a lot better, or even the Dolly Parton one. She should've at least gotten something for being like 85 and looking like she does.

Thanks for listening.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Show Me.

My recent trip to Kansas City, Missouri helped dispel some myths and stereotypes many of us on the east coast have about the lovely midwest, previously in my mind known only as "the mass grave of buffalo and injuns." Here are a few of those:

1) While I pride myself on how incredibly enlightened and open-minded I am (you'd have to be to have a hindu and a jew as friends, am I right?), I may have sorta-kinda feared a cold reception by very white midwestern farmers. No burnings at the stake or anything, but maybe a forced babtism attempt or two. Instead, I was met by the kindest and most welcoming people I have ever come across who weren't (at least perceptively) high at the time. The kind of people who not only smile when they pass you on the sidewalk, but actually say "hello" and occasionally add "nice day, isnt it?" However, if ever travelling in the midwest, please note that officers of the law are not more lenient towards you when you drive 25 mph over the speed limit. You might get pie afterwards, though. I had no such luck, but I can see how that could happen. Cuz, you know...they're nice.

2) There are streetlights and freeways in the midwest. Really caught me offguard.

3) There was no livestock roaming around anywhere I was near.

4) Midwesterners appreciate modern art...on the first friday of every month.

And some preconceptions that weren't so wrong afterall:

1) Midwesterners are white. Some are pasty, some are rosy, but (all)predominantly white. This I feel they should use as a marketing tool to attract non-white families with small children: "The Midwest. Where you will never lose track of little Leila or Hassan!" (look around. which of these is not like the others?)

2) Midwesterners love Jesus. L.O.V.E. him. This was made very evident to me at a comedy improv show where the audience was asked to offer suggestions of their favorite bible story for the skit. And then reinforced when there was a run-off vote because several stories were yelled out at once. (For all my midwest friends at the edge of their seats: "Daniel and the Lions" won.)

3) Midwesterners say "pop" instead of soda.

All in all, this trip to Missouri taught me that the best way to dispel stereotypes is to spend a few days in someone else's shoes. Then again, I wouldn't recommend following this advice to get rid of your fear of the KKK or say, Russian Mafia. Sometimes, prejudice means survival.

Monday, March 06, 2006

In Large Part Due to the Hotness of Terrence Howard....

"CRASH" won the Oscar for Best Film!!!! My "friends" like to point out that I, in fact, had nothing to do with the making or marketing of this motion picture masterpiece, but that's just because they're jealous bigots. Stupid crackers.

Finally, a film is honored for highlighting the existence of stereotypes in all cultures and just how useful they can be. For those of you who haven't seen it (hopefully because you're blind or homeless, not because you chose not to), it's a story of young love and all the excitement and opportunity that L.A. has to offer.

Like I told the old lady behind me in the ticket line at the movie theater, it's just like the Disney ride "It's A Small World"....but with guns.

If Walt wasn't frozen in a factory somewhere, he would shed a tear of joy.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Pour out a little liquor....

Since part of the inspiration for our blog came from a discussion of Jonathan Brandis' and "Jennifer" Midlers' deaths, I have been dubbed the Celebrity Death columnist. I'm SUPPOSED to bring you news of obscure, B-List celebrities obituaries. I apparently haven't been doing my job since another RBIE staffer had to point out a few note-worthy passings, but here goes:

DON KNOTTS died!!

REALLY? Yep, stop crying.

WHO? You know, the landlord from Three's Company!!!

AWWWW.

Also, MABEL M. SMYTHE-HAITH died!

REALLY? Yes, of Alzheimers.

WHO? She was the former US Ambassador to Equatorial Guinea (as opposed to Guinea or New Guinea? This one is in Africa, next to Sierra Leone).

AWWWW.

AND.....Bruce Hart too!

REALLY? Yeah. Poor chap.

WHO? He wrote the lyrics to "Sesame Street"!

AWWWW.


Ok, are you happy you cold-hearted bastard?! Reason #6879584 Chatouille may be heading somewhere unseasonably warm ;)