A Naked American Man Stole My Balloons.

It's been well established that Halloween is the official religious holiday of RBIE (if you happen to be on the staff and didnt know about this fairly new development, you missed the meeting. it was tuesday. we all voted. there was free beer.) As such, i've compiled a short list of "Dos and Don'ts" for the holiday weekend, based on my own research as resident Halloween specialist:

1. DO think of a creative costume to wear to a Halloween party. (Popular Costumes to shy away from if you want to stand out: Guys-pirate or anything involving a dress and lipstick. Girls-slutty something--chances are if your costume was inspired by a children's nursery rhyme, you are delving into slut territory.)

2. DON'T go to bed still wearing your costume just because you feel you put too much time and energy into it (goddammit!) to just discard it like some unwanted pregnancy. Chances are you'll wake up with fake wig hair in your mouth and some serious plastic bead-sized bruises on your chest. Exception to this rule: if you end up crashing at someone else's that night, keep your costume on...nobody respects a halloween gigolo.

3. DO plan on having a good time at the party.

4. DON'T plan on hooking up with the hot guy in the zorro mask and bandana: there's a high probability that he is both bald and (unfortunately for the both of you), the extreme opposite of hot.

5. DO take a cab home after you've been drinking...even if you have to steal it away from some poor guy who actually called ahead and reserved the cab.

6. DON'T pull an Odysseus and yell your name out the window as the cab is pulling away and said guy is left stranded and freezing on the side of a deserted street....especially if you recognize him from school.

7. DO watch a scary movie the night after the party to give your liver a rest. I personally recommend An American Werewolf in London for its creative combination of humor and carnage. I too was skeptical of the film that inspired Thriller, but ten minutes into it realized that it was about to change my life for the better.

8. DON'T watch House of Wax. Unless you do it as a drinking game, taking a shot every time Paris Hilton has her mouth on someone (or a part of someone) else. You'll be wasted in the first three minutes. No joke. I'm so fucking drunk right now...