Have A Sexy Christmas

For all your belated christmas greetings, this is the e-card our staff recommends.

They Didn't Sneak Into This Country To Make Friends

Christmakahwanza is coming and some of us have yet to finish our holiday shopping. You could even say that some of us are STILL recovering from having drank too much Friday night when we barely found our way home at 6:00 am...which is seriously confusing because some of us were in a cab on our way home around 3:00 am...you could also say that some of us have been abusing the royal "we" all day because, well, the sad truth is, we're lonely. (single tear)

Although most of the time between when I left the bar and actually stepped inside my house is a blur, I do remember some key moments that may or may not have SAVED A MAN'S LIFE. (the caps mean that part is meant to be read loudly and dramatically)

Part of the conversation I remember having with my cab driver:

Apu: Why you not go home with your roommate?
Me: Because i'm not ready to go home! Have you ever been so drunk that you just can't imagine wasting it on sleep?
Apu: I muslim, so no.
Me: So are my grandparents! I respect that...totally, dude...i mean, except for the head scarf thing, that's no fun.
Apu: Where you from?
Me: Iran.
Apu: Really, I from Pakistan.
Me: We're neighbors!
Apu: um..sort of.
Me: I'm not a cartographer. Anyway, I just finished my exams and i haven't been out in about four months, so i just want to enjoy it as long as possible...because, you know what? i love people, and i love hanging out with people because people are so ...people, you know?
Apu: Ah, yes, i think so...i'm sorry, my english not so good. What do you study?
Me: Medicine (because nobody respects a lawyer and Apu's respect was important to me. I only had fifteen bucks on me and he'd already driven me all the way out to my apartment only to take me back to the city.)
Apu: Ah, really?! Well then you deserve a night out, Doctor..hehehe
Me: We really dont like to call ourselves that till fourth year...*blushing with modesty*
Apu: What year are you then?
Me: Third...doing my Radiology rotation right now actually...it's tough stuff...all these x-rays and shit..
Apu: Have you studied skin cancer?
Me: Yes. Briefly.
Apu: Could you looking at this mole I found on the back of my neck? My wife think it might be serious thing.
Me: No problem (leaning over to get a good look as Apu turns on the overhead light.) Wow, that looks a little worrisome my friend...i can't say until i look at it more closely, with my magnifying glass and..other tools...but um, you should definitely get it removed. I've seen alot like those...its not worth risking it.
Apu: Thankyou doctor! When you come from Iran?
Me: Five years ago.
Apu: 5 years! and your english this good?? I dont even hear an accent!
Me: I studied alot. My father always taught me that to be successful in America, you have to sound like an American. They're very racist here...
Apu: Ah, I wish I had that talent. You very hardworking and intelligent girl.
Me: Well, thank you greatly, sir. This is my stop. I only have fifteen dollars...can you stop at an ATM?
Apu: No, its ok. Fifteen is enough for you...you good people who take care of others. You deserve it.
Me: Thanks again! And do get that mole checked out....you owe it to yourself and your wife.

After that, the night's a blur. In fact, all of yesterday is a blur too...all I remember is Jason Bateman talking to me about the importance of family and then asking me to marry him. Still, I take great pride in the idea that maybe...just maybe, my pathological lying saved Apu from Cancer, or worse, a horribly disgusting blemish. And isn't that what Hanchriswanza is all about? No? Well, to be honest, I only celebrate Christmas. And I know Jesus is down.

THIS JUST IN??!!

Showtime may rescue Arrested Development!

That's right. I might not have to go through Jason Bateman withdrawal afterall! The prospect of quitting both glue and Jason at the same time was more than I could bear.

They better not be toying with my already fragile emotions....

Live Strong

Some readers have brought it to my attention that i've let this blog go, much like a mother abandoning her ugly newborn, unaware that there's a good chance that very same baby might grow up to be Faith Hill one day and then boy, will she be sorry. I don't want to be Faith Hill's biological mother, so i'm posting again although i've really no news to talk about.

Sure, Stanley "Tookie" Williams was executed despite the vigil held at my house last night, and am i upset about that? Of course. Am i gonna go set some cars on fire to express my anger at Arnold? Probably. But there's no sense in writing about it. If there's one thing Stanley's death has taught us, its that no matter how many kids' books you write, murdering numerous people execution style will still get you the death penalty in California (yes, it was a very specific lesson). Jesus might forgive, but the law holds a grudge. Some other people died too....like Richard Pryor and my next door neighbor's grandfather...but that's really where their story ends.

Instead, i'll leave you with the following conversation between my mother and the doctor at the hospital where my brother had his tonsils removed earlier today:

Mom: Oh, by the way, can you check my daughter's file while we are here? My son has never been in surgery but his sister has some allergy to general anesthesia that he might have as well.

Dr: Do you know what exactly she's allergic too? What are the symptoms?

Mom: Oh, well, i'm not sure...she just doesnt seem to make it through surgeries very well...almost lost her a couple times. (chuckle)

Dr: (looking at file) Your daughter has pseudocholinesterase deficiency. It is a rare genetic disorder that affects her breathing and muscle function when given anesthesia that contains the muscle-relaxing drug succinylcholine.. Its very important that she be aware of exactly what she's allergic to because this could cost her her life if she ever finds herself in an emergency surgery situation.

Mom: Oh, wow, I should call her. She's actually very clumsy: just broke her toe falling down the stairs this morning; second time in the last three months. It's a miracle she's made it to 24 years, ...

Dr.: How did you learn she had an allergy in the first place?

Mom: Oh, well, she had surgery when she was 3 and almost didnt wake up, and then again at 6, she had surgery on her ear and went into a little coma...

Dr.: Twice?! And you didn't think to get her bloodwork done after the first time?

Mom: Well, she woke up. So uh...I'm not sure what you're getting at.

Dr: Aren't you a nurse? And your husband is a doctor, right? You should really take something like not waking up after surgery seriously.

Mom: We have four kids...it's hard to keep track of every little thing.

Dr: (a little puzzled) Well, you should get all of your kids tested and your daughter should wear a bracelet...just in case she gets into a car accident or something.

Mom: Can't wait to tell her that part. Maybe i'll make it her christmas present: "Surprise! you're a freak!"

Dr: ...Um...I have to get back to your son now. This surgery should take about 40 minutes.

Mom: Ok. I think i might go run some errands. Tell him i'm in the waiting room in case he asks...oh, and add that i'm very worried about him.