They Didn't Sneak Into This Country To Make Friends

Christmakahwanza is coming and some of us have yet to finish our holiday shopping. You could even say that some of us are STILL recovering from having drank too much Friday night when we barely found our way home at 6:00 am...which is seriously confusing because some of us were in a cab on our way home around 3:00 am...you could also say that some of us have been abusing the royal "we" all day because, well, the sad truth is, we're lonely. (single tear)

Although most of the time between when I left the bar and actually stepped inside my house is a blur, I do remember some key moments that may or may not have SAVED A MAN'S LIFE. (the caps mean that part is meant to be read loudly and dramatically)

Part of the conversation I remember having with my cab driver:

Apu: Why you not go home with your roommate?
Me: Because i'm not ready to go home! Have you ever been so drunk that you just can't imagine wasting it on sleep?
Apu: I muslim, so no.
Me: So are my grandparents! I respect that...totally, dude...i mean, except for the head scarf thing, that's no fun.
Apu: Where you from?
Me: Iran.
Apu: Really, I from Pakistan.
Me: We're neighbors!
Apu: um..sort of.
Me: I'm not a cartographer. Anyway, I just finished my exams and i haven't been out in about four months, so i just want to enjoy it as long as possible...because, you know what? i love people, and i love hanging out with people because people are so ...people, you know?
Apu: Ah, yes, i think so...i'm sorry, my english not so good. What do you study?
Me: Medicine (because nobody respects a lawyer and Apu's respect was important to me. I only had fifteen bucks on me and he'd already driven me all the way out to my apartment only to take me back to the city.)
Apu: Ah, really?! Well then you deserve a night out, Doctor..hehehe
Me: We really dont like to call ourselves that till fourth year...*blushing with modesty*
Apu: What year are you then?
Me: Third...doing my Radiology rotation right now actually...it's tough stuff...all these x-rays and shit..
Apu: Have you studied skin cancer?
Me: Yes. Briefly.
Apu: Could you looking at this mole I found on the back of my neck? My wife think it might be serious thing.
Me: No problem (leaning over to get a good look as Apu turns on the overhead light.) Wow, that looks a little worrisome my friend...i can't say until i look at it more closely, with my magnifying glass and..other tools...but um, you should definitely get it removed. I've seen alot like those...its not worth risking it.
Apu: Thankyou doctor! When you come from Iran?
Me: Five years ago.
Apu: 5 years! and your english this good?? I dont even hear an accent!
Me: I studied alot. My father always taught me that to be successful in America, you have to sound like an American. They're very racist here...
Apu: Ah, I wish I had that talent. You very hardworking and intelligent girl.
Me: Well, thank you greatly, sir. This is my stop. I only have fifteen dollars...can you stop at an ATM?
Apu: No, its ok. Fifteen is enough for you...you good people who take care of others. You deserve it.
Me: Thanks again! And do get that mole checked out....you owe it to yourself and your wife.

After that, the night's a blur. In fact, all of yesterday is a blur too...all I remember is Jason Bateman talking to me about the importance of family and then asking me to marry him. Still, I take great pride in the idea that maybe...just maybe, my pathological lying saved Apu from Cancer, or worse, a horribly disgusting blemish. And isn't that what Hanchriswanza is all about? No? Well, to be honest, I only celebrate Christmas. And I know Jesus is down.