Isn't It Terrible That A Family Can Be Torn Apart By Something As Simple As A Pack of Wolves?

Like a bad case of Herpes, I'm back. Back to D.C. after a long (LONG) week home, back to RBIE,...back to life, back to reality, back to the...you get the point.

Spending a week at "home"...or what I should more accurately refer to as "the residence of those people who unwillingly, and probably with the help of large quantities of alcohol, conceived me," has (as always) afforded me some new pearls of wisdom, which i would like to share with our young readers:

1) no matter how much you THINK you miss your family or how happy you THINK they will be to see you, divide the period of time you were planning on dedicating to a visit by 2, subtract by 3 days...and book your flight accordingly. Save time, money, and embarassment for all involved.

2) keep something small around (like a grape for example) to choke on when your parents look like they're about to start a serious conversation about your career and/or social aspirations. 9 times out of 10 they will be too distracted saving your life to remember what they were asking about. (guantanamo prisoners swear by this one!)

3) The argument: "At least i'm not pregnant!" worked better when you were a teenager and your mother wasn't asking you why you havent "met someone," "gotten married," or "become pregnant."

4) Access to transportation can do a lot to help your time at home go smoothly. Lack of transportation can make you feel trapped, moody, insecure, and...filled with murderous rage.

5) Ellen is a quality show. Passions, not as much.

6) Spending time with family brings you closer...to your friends, and occasional kind-faced strangers.

7) after all the bickering, and fighting, and cutting...you realize when you leave them that you will always feel somewhat guilty about not enjoying your family's company more, not cherishing the time you get to spend with them, not getting along better. This is a mistake. They want you to feel guilty..that's how they lure you back. Remember your spirit, and remember how much your spirit wanted to get the hell away from there.

8) there's no such thing as a perfectly functional family. anyone turns their nose up at you, you just remind them that their mom is an alcoholic and their dad does drag shows on the weekends (eh. it's a hit or miss, but in the least you'll make them stop and think).