"Maybe If You Made Your Bed More Often, Mommy and Daddy Wouldn't Be Getting A Divorce"

Ever since I can remember, I've wanted to be a writer. More recently, the reality of my extreme lack of talent hit me like an abusive step-father, and I recognized that this, coupled with my short attention span and very limited vocabulary, would prove a hindrance to my lofty goal.

Then I had an epiphany. More accurately, then I had three beers and a vodka tonic. THEN I had an epiphany. Of sorts. Sitting in the children's section of Barnes and Noble, where I often go just to get away from the crowds and feel young again, I wondered about two things:

1) Has anyone ever been arrested for public drunkeness in a bookstore...in the middle of the day? and,
2) How the hell do Madonna and Jerry Seinfeld both have published children's books? and,
3) Are you kidding me? Madonna?!

I know what you're thinking. The third thought was really more of an extension of the second so it doesn't stand on its own. Oh, and I'm not sure why I go to the bookstore after drinking. That's a question only my psychiatrist and maybe God could answer (maybe God...I still have serious doubts about His so-called omniscience.)

Let's focus here. I had a point. Oh yes! I decided that I didn't have to completely give up my dream of becoming a writer...I could write Children's Books!! Maybe I'll never be in the same league as E.B. White or Shel Silverstein, but with a bit of hard work and maybe some hashish, I bet I could write something at least as educational and clever as Britney Spears' much anticipated book.

So that's where we are now. I'm writing a kid's book. I'd like to draw from my own childhood experiences, but I'm not sure if "Why Mom Keeps Telling Her Friends You Were A Mistake" or "How Chess Club Made Me An Outcast In Middle School" would really make good titles.

Any ideas would be appreciated. One helpful reader has already sent in some good potential titles. Don't let them beat you to the punch. There's a place on the dedication page with your name all over it.