Awkward Conversation With My Newly Assigned Mentee

me: Hi. you must be Jack*, my new mentee! Is it ok if i call you grasshopper?

mentee: Hi, i'd prefer it if you didn't. I'm sorry, i was expecting you to be a guy.

me: Um..ok. Is it a problem that i'm a girl?

mentee: No, no..that's not what i mean. its just that, your emails...they kinda threw me off i guess. You know, like the one where you said you'd help me "mack on GW girls?"

me: And i will, but first things first...tell me about yourself.

mentee: Well, i'm not sure how much you've heard about me already. i graduated Phi Beta Kappa from Harvard last spring...

me: Wow. Harvard. and did you say you were in a fraternity?--Phi Beta Kappa?

mentee: Uh..no..that just means i was in the top __** percent of my class.

me: Wow. And you came to GW?.....any serious social problems i should know about up front?

mentee: (clearly offended) Um...where did you go to school?

me: Alachua County Community College of Florida...and i graduated Alpha Delta Epsilon.

mentee: You just made that up, didn't you?

me: Hey, now. i've been nice to you so far, but you cannot expect me to stand here and be insulted by my very own protege!

mentee: Your what? Lady, i just wanted some class outlines....

me: Don't call me a lady. You barely know me. Now then, grasshopper, i think we got off on the wrong foot....

mentee: Seriously, that's not funny. Are you going to be helpful to me at all?

me: Patience, my sidekick. Now then...take this toothbrush and scrub the entire lounge floor. After you're done..and only after...i will begin the "mentoring sessions."

mentee: I gotta go. later...

me: Call me!!

*real names have been protected. everything else is verbatim and true. everything.
** wasnt really paying attention at this point.