This Guy Just Won't Quit Gardening..

This weekend, i was assigned the short-straw task of going to outrageously expensive movies and writing up reviews for box office openings. My original assignment was to do a one-on-one interview with Jason Statham (the ridiculously hot star of "The Transporter 2") while we rode along the beach on horseback...he shirtless and i holding a tape recorder in one hand and his chest with the other (he's just more comfortable that way).
Recent developments unfortunately "crippled" my ability to travel and i "fell" head first into this new project, determined not to "limp" through it idly, but rather keep going till i "covered enough ground." You might even say i fell down a bunch of stairs, sprained my ankle, and couldn't do anything but watch movies all weekend while my "sorry excuse for" friends went to parties where everyone stood around admiring their ability to walk and jump effortlessly. You might say that, but i personally am not nearly that bitter or petty.

Here are my short and sweet reviews of two films that opened this weekend:

The Transporter 2: Jason Statham is still the sexiest man from the UK, but much like the first Transporter, this film has no plot that a delinquent 12 year old couldn't write up in crayon while going through withdrawal from his ADHD medication. Ignoring the inconsistencies and lack of explanation for several key plot points (like how a red-head and a blond end up with a latino kid, or how the entire city of Miami is suddenly cured of an airborne virus when ten minutes earlier, it is on the brink of an epidemic), what proves most disappointing is the fact that despite several opportunities to remove his shirt, Statham keeps it on for 99.9% of the film. Meanwhile, the "villain" or "anorexic super-model with rabies" spends the entire film in her underwear. Clearly action film producers are not tapping into the right market. In short, i would NOT recommend this film to anyone but pyromaniacs and the worst of my enemies. (If you want to see Statham, rent Snatch or Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels...even "The Italian Job" is better, and hey, Marky Mark is included in that one.) That having been said, i don't mind supporting Statham's career...i know that somewhere there's a script about a half-naked hunk with his name all over it.

The Constant Gardener: Go see it. Now. If it's too early, take a flight to a better time-zone so you can catch it as soon as possible. It's worth it. You may or may not want to slit your wrists afterwards because it's not what i would call an uplifting film (use your discretion on that one), but even if you do eventually die bleeding in your bathtub, at least you will take comfort in the fact that the last movie you saw was worth the 9 or 10 bucks that theaters are charging nowadays.* Yes, Ralphe Fiennes is yet another rare and beautiful Englishman, but this film actually has so much more to offer that you will barely notice, let alone fault the fact that his clothes remain on while Rachel Weisz spends way too much time out of hers. I've heard that "March of the Penguins" is the best film of the summer...i'm willing to bet that this one can compete.

*incidently, i haven't found a connection between fuel shortage and the rise in movie ticket prices, but if you know of a country we can attack to fix this problem, please contact your representative.