Favorite Pastimes: Blowing Air Into A Plastic Sheep

It's no secret that for the past week, i've been on location in the UK "researching" for RBIE. There's still a lot of work to be done (let's not kid ourselves about that) but there are also a few things i've already discovered that may interest some of our readers who need travel advice:

1. UK pubs, in Oxfordshire at least, close at 11pm. After that, it's off to the clubs where pasty white men with upturned noses attempt to dance to '50 cent' without dislocating their hips. A word to the wise: the techno floor is full of short men on ecstasy...if you're not into that, stay away from the techno floor. Also, for you casanova men out there, summoning a girl over by pointing at her and then pointing at the ground next to you while you show off your lackluster smile (with several missing teeth) may not work on every girl. Don't give up. One day,..perhaps distant day....someone will learn to appreciate you as your mother does.

2. If you ever make a trip to the lavatory, make sure to take enough money just in case you find the need to use the "Naughty Toys for Girls and Boys" dispenser. It's just like a tampon or pain medicine dispenser, but instead of Tylenol, you might end up with an inflatable sheep complete with batting eyelashes, red lips, and fishnet stockings. (sidenote: pooling together 7 pounds to buy said inflatable sheep may seem a good idea at the time,..and it is...because hey, when else are you going to be able to say that you bought an inflatable sheep??)

3. "Chips and Cheese" from a street vendor is really the closest you can get to actually experiencing heaven in all its glory. Prayer is not the answer. Your mother lied to you. I know, shocking.

4. If you travel in a large group, you may soon learn that each day is another person's birthday and that you will be forced into acoholism before your time. Embrace it, because it's awfully rude not to celebrate a birthday.

5. Even though you want to like everyone, there will inevitably be that one person who you keep picturing in a noose each time they open their mouth. It's not your fault...some people deserve to be lynched and it's really quite tragic that our society as a whole is unwilling to accept that fact.

6. Don't attempt to impart advice after four glasses of wine and two beers...you probably wont even finish your thought before you suddenly collapse on your keyboard and ">?km,vcf