HAPPY BELATED MOTHER'S DAY

Mothers are special. Truly. They feed us, nurture us, dress us in what can only be legitimately called clown costumes and tell us that we look glamorous and that kids at the fifth grade dance will be jealous...and then comfort us when we come back from the dance in tears. In short, the least we can give them in return for their years of worry and semi-conditional love is our appreciation. I decided to express mine in a letter.

My first draft:

Dear Mom,
Thanks for getting knocked up...and for having the heart to keep me alive till I could eat solids and dress myself. I've heard rumors that I was an accident but I guess that's all water under the bridge now. Where did I hear a crazy story like that? Remember dad's sentimental toast at my college graduation dinner?: "we could never have imagined on that horrifying day when we discovered that birth control was only 99.96% effective, that our lack of financial means to get an abortion would lead us to this joyous day!"

Anyway, like I said, water under the bridge. Love You.

Thinking the first draft too bitter, I sat down with my quill and ink to try again:

Dear Mom,
On this special day, I want you to know how appreciated you are. There's just one thing that's been bothering me and I was hoping you could clear things up. When I was five, Brother and Sister* told me that I was adopted...stolen actually, from a very wealthy and good-looking** couple so I could be used as cheap labor around the house. I wouldn't have believed them, but when you came home that night, you told me to stop being so gullible and then handed me the broom and asked me to go sweep the kitchen. It was a funny joke and we all laughed. But then you stopped laughing and made me sweep anyway...you are my mother, correct?

Finally, being a perfectionist, I thought it best not to end with a question:

Dear Mom,
I'm sorry I couldn't be there on your special day. I hear that Sis is sending you to Hawaii. That's wonderful. What am I getting you? Well, you are holding this letter correct? And you're aware that it IS from me? Handwritten. To be honest, I was going to send you flowers, but after spending three hours at the mall shopping for a small gift to go with the flowers, my account balance was suddenly $500 lower and none of the clothes in my shopping bag were your size. I dont know how that happened but as you can see, flowers were beyond my monetary means at that point. Anyway, this post-it note is only so big!
Love Always, your middle child.

*Not of the Berenstain bears.... Although I agree that would have been beyond awesome.
** I can only offer a guess as to their looks.