Another Reason to Envy Orphan Annie

Visiting parents is always a treat. But as treats go, it falls under the "candy corn with needle hidden inside" category. It's not your favorite, and it might just kill you. I've had problems with family visits in the past when I was only a college graduate with no real career goals. Dinner conversations revolving around which sibling was doomed to support me in the future were not uncommon (my mother seemed to think it was my brother's duty as the only boy, whereas my father argued that my unwed sister was a prime candidate because "what was she gonna do with all that money as an old maid?"-- I personally looked forward to living off my parents' life insurance policies). Since I've started law school however, spending time with family has become more tolerable in the sense that my parents no longer refer to me as the "other child" when introducing me to their friends, my siblings no longer drive me to the goodwill when I ask for a ride to the mall, and my brother in particular doesn't protectively grab his wallet if I happen to walk into the room (which means I am now the proud owner of a new twenty!--sucker).

The downside to all this--and there is always a downside (you saw it coming, didnt you?)--is that my education has somehow inadvertently caused my parents to suffer a mild psychotic break. Maybe it's because they're foreign or maybe it's their constant abuse of household cleaners, but whatever the reason, at some point they decided that I could help fund their most recent power trip.

This is what led me to create the following Notice, now posted in every room of my parents household:

Inappropriate occasions to invoke the phrase “My daughter is a lawyer” (or variations thereof):

1) As some sort of vague, empty threat: “Are you sure there’s no Fire Sauce left? You're aware my daughter is a lawyer?”

2) As a futile attempt to get out of trouble: “Officer, I don’t think I was technically speeding. Maybe you should address my daughter in the passenger seat…she’s a lawyer.”

3) When feeling gregarious towards a stranger at the bank: “They’re taking your house away for tax fraud? My daughter, she’s a lawyer. I’m sure she’d love to help! Hold on, let me get you her number.”

4) As “clever” social commentary at a party: “We live in a strange world. You can’t even trust your own children these days! My own daughter is a lawyer. A lawyer! I don’t even give her advice anymore, because I’m afraid she might take it and then sue me! Ha ha (unattractive snort).”

5) And finally, when your daughter is in fact NOT A LAWYER, but rather a law STUDENT, meaning that she doesn’t know shit about the law and judging from her very round grades, her chances of actually making it to year three are speculative at best.

* Now to Kinkos to see if I can print out wallet sized cards for easy reference.