Why You Shouldn't Start Work On Friday the F*cking Thirteenth

"Oh. These are all wrong. She copied the wrong reports. These are useless. Let's kill her."

Apart from that last sentence (I definitely heard it, but hopefully just in my head), the above quote is verbatim the first thing that my boss said about me as soon as I entered the office. It's not that I mind being reprimanded for misunderstanding an assignment, but it's more than a little awkward when its not directed at me.

I thought about responding with a "Wait. You think she can hear us?" or "Thank God we're not paying her!", but I wisely held back, remembering my late grandmother's advice, "Don't ever try to joke with someone who is questioning your mind or ability. You're not funny and your voice will only make them angrier. Now go get grandma her bong."

And so started my first day at my new internship, or as I shall be referring to it from now on, "that internship I had for a day."

I've heard that first days can be rough. I've only heard that, never having held a job in my life that wasn't given to me by friends who understood my "Mediterranean" work ethic and that they were paying me for my company more than anything else. (no, I was never a call girl, but you're right, I bet I'd be good at it).

Rough is one thing. Having your boss yell at you for having a Dasani water bottle, asking you to put it away before anyone else sees it, and then giving you a half hour lecture on the evils of Coca-Cola until you finally manage to cut in with a "I didn't know! I use a Brita filter at home, I swear!" is surprisingly hurtful. Especially two hours later, when you're so thirsty that you'd cry if it wasn't for fear of losing crucial life-saving water through your tear ducts,...as you eye the water bottle in your bag, wondering if you could sneak it into the bathroom under your shirt.

In fact, there is now an entire list of products I must refrain from bringing to work:

1) My new Nike sneakers. (despite my father's clever suggestion that I just cover the Nike symbol with masking tape)

2) Starbuck's coffee

3) Anything carbonated that is not generic, because I'm just not sure where they stand on Pepsi.

4) Items of clothing manufactured in Asia, South America, Mexico, some island in the Pacific, or Africa, a.k.a. my entire wardrobe.

5) My dignity and good humor.

On an entirely unrelated note, I will be accepting applications for "husbands who enjoy being the sole breadwinner" or "men who don't care to marry but like the idea of having a kept woman." Please send a resume and picture to reallybigineurope@hotmail.com. Letters should be less than 500 words. Really, just an income tax report will do.