How Many Celebrity Lesbians Think You're Hot?

If there is one thing that RBIE stands for, it’s “quality” (usually preceded by the words “devoid of” but let’s not split hairs.) In an effort to maintain an esteemed place in our readers’ scheduled daily skimming of “blogs,” I have taken it upon myself to go out and sample the cultural scene of our nation’s capital and report my findings in a very unbiased and professional manner.

Sunday night I “took in a play” (that’s right. we’re classy as sh*t) at the Kennedy Center. It was called “The Subject Was Roses” and it starred…wait for it, wait for it….BILL PULLMAN, Celebrity. You may remember him from such classic films as Spaceballs and Independence Day. Understandably, I was a little star-struck as the curtain went up, but once I finally stopped hyperventilating and screaming “OMG! You were amazing as Christina Ricci’s dad in Casper!!”..I found the play to be very depressing…in a good way. The plot surrounds an older married couple in the 1940’s who have become estranged from one another for the usual reasons (she got fat, he had multiple affairs). Long story short, they’ve spent the majority of their married life fighting over the love and attention of their one and only child who, as the first scene indicates, has just returned from WWII. Now I could say more, but I see you've lost interest. I highly recommend this play (students can get $10 tickets. Just hanging out in the Kennedy Center lobby is worth that much). Support the arts, and Bill Pullman, because I think he’s hungry.

Foreseeing that our readers would be wondering where to go afterwards, I made my way to The Lizard Lounge, a hip discotheque that (on special nights) caters to gays, bisexuals, their friends, and confused reptile enthusiasts. You’ll know it when you spy the bouncers with large plastic lizards hanging all over their shirts. If you’re a woman, you’ll also notice that the male bartenders can’t see you, and although you may be tempted to wait 20 minutes at the bar and then flick them off and yell “fuck you motherfucker” as your friends apologize for your behavior and drag you away, it’s probably wiser to wait until AFTER you get your drink to do so.

On this special evening, the cast of the hit Showtime show “The L Word” was at the bar, and having seen a whole two episodes, I felt that I could go up to one of the girls and yell “I KNOW YOU!” in an excited manner. She looked pretty scared until my friends again stepped in and told her I was “a fan.” Then she asked me my name and spoke the words, “You’re Hot.”

Now, unfortunately I am not a lesbian. I’m much more like a closeted gay man. I love men but I wish to God I didn't. Still, how many semi-famous lesbians have called you “hot” lately? Not enough? You see my point.

The night pretty much ended there. There was a little something about me puking in the backseat of a cab on the way home as the poor cab driver and my friend, let's call him Yim, tried to keep my head out the door or window (don't recall), but that’s not something I care to reminisce about. I DO remember being incredibly relieved that the water bottle I was carrying was NOT a Dasani.

Two celebrities in one night! How about that??!!! Fuck this is long. You haven’t read this far have you, you ungrateful bastard/bitch? Oh, you have. Well, um…look over there!